Like all married couples, sometimes Rachel and I have disagreements. On occasions these disagreements can be sharp or heated. A couple of weeks ago, Rachel grew angry with me because of my failure to keep a commitment I made to her. Her anger made me feel defensive and angry back. It made me want to yell and say hurtful things back to her. I even said some things that, while not being directly spiteful, were irrationally defensive of my behavior. So, the verbal battle continued.

At this point I had a choice. I could continue to act on the burning anger I felt within myself. I could defend my actions with reasonable excuses. I could tell her off and attack her to take the sting of her rebuke off me. Or I could take a step back and evaluate my own actions. Instead of acting on my emotions, I could act like Christ. I could be gentle toward my wife instead of retaliating.

Who was wrong or right does not matter here. There are times for harsh rebuke and times to defend yourself against unjust remarks. However, those occasions are seldom for Christians. Instead of being defensive, when reviled, we need not revile in return (1 Pet 2:23; cf. Isa 53:7). Additionally, Solomon says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov 15:1). Instead of speaking harsh words back, I decided to humble myself and apologize for my lack of commitment. Instead of looking at how she hurt my feelings, I looked at how I hurt her through my failure. I hope that we can take this story and reflect on our struggle with defensiveness and controlling our tongues. Instead of crushing the other person’s spirit, I hope our healing words can be a tree of life(Prov.15:4). (Printed with the permission of Rachel Murphy.)