Over the years Dr. John Gottman developed four predictors that showed the breakdown in relationships.

He called the greatest of these destructive behavior patterns, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Specifically, they are (http://www.gottman.com/research/research-faqs/ retrieved from the web 10/03/13):

CRITICISM: stating one’s complaints as a defect in one’s partner’s personality, i.e., giving the partner negative trait attributions. Example: “You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.”

CONTEMPT: statements that come from a relative position of superiority. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. Example: “You’re an idiot.”

DEFENSIVENESS: self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victim-hood. Defensiveness wards off a perceived attack. Example: “It’s not my fault that we’re always late; it’s your fault.”

STONEWALLING: emotional withdrawal from interaction. Example: The listener does not give the speaker the usual nonverbal signals that the listener is “tracking” the speaker.

So, what are the antidotes for these relational slayers?

CRITICISM: I can see the conquering White horse of Revelation 6:2 running roughshod over a gentle family with a relentless barrage of criticism. There is a big difference in stating something critically versus a complaint that seeks resolution. The antidote is a complaint that begins with a gentle appeal for help. For instance: I need your help (Gentle). When there are dirty dishes in the sink I react poorly (specific action or behavior that “I” react badly to). I’d like to keep the kitchen sink clean (desired change in behavior). What are you willing to do to help have a cleaner sink and a less cranky me (solicit input to the desired outcome)?

CONTEMPT: Next, the Black horse, with its judging scales rides in. It is so superior as it contemptuously enforces its superiority. The antidote is to rather notice something “praiseworthy” and to verbalize it (Phil.2:3-4).

DEFENSIVENESS: Then the Red horse comes in “slaying one another”. The antidote is to find some way to take some responsibility.

STONEWALLING: Finally, the Pale horse of death comes in. The antidote is to stay in the conversation. When the emotions become overwhelming, take a break. But then come back and find a resolution (Eph.5:26).

Friend, you would do well to recognize the signs of the onset of these “Four Horsemen” to prevent conflict (cause and reaction). Try your best to never break another down. Learn instead to compromise.